Mash, don’t forget to lock the door,” Mom said tiredly, rising from the table.
“Mom, how many times? Are you going to remind me for the rest of your life?” fifteen-year-old Masha replied, feeling hurt.
“Not for life, but as long as grandma lives with us. If she goes outside, she will get lost and…”
“And die under a fence, and we’ll live with the guilt… Mom, maybe just let it happen?” Masha asked defiantly.
“What do you mean let it happen?” Mom didn’t understand.
“Let her go and get lost. You yourself said you were tired of dealing with her.”
“How can you say that? She’s my mother-in-law, not my own blood, but she’s your grandma.”
“Grandma?” Masha squinted, as she always did when she started to get angry. “Where was she when her son abandoned us? When she refused to sit with me? With her own granddaughter? She didn’t pity you when you took on everything to earn an extra penny… She even blamed you when my husband left…”
“Stop it right now!” Mom shrieked. “I shouldn’t have told you all this.” Mom sighed. “I raised you poorly if you have no compassion for your own family. It scares me. When I get old, will you treat me the same way? What’s wrong with you? You were always such a kind girl. You couldn’t walk past a stray kitten or puppy without bringing it home. But grandma is not a puppy…” Mom shook her head tiredly. “She’s already being punished. Your father didn’t just leave us; he abandoned her too.”
“Mom, go to work, you’ll be late. I promise I’ll lock the door.” Masha looked guiltily at her mom.
“Okay, let’s not say anything more we might regret…” but Mom didn’t move.
“Mom, I’m sorry, but it’s painful to see you like this. Skin and bones. You’re only forty, but you walk bent over like an old woman, barely moving your legs. Always tired. What are you looking at me like that for? Who else but your own daughter will tell you the truth?” Masha didn’t realize she had raised her voice again.
“Thank you. Make sure she doesn’t turn on the gas or leave the water running in the bath.”
“That’s what I mean, we sit with her like we’re tied down. No life. Mom, let’s put her in a nursing home. She’d be under constant supervision there. She doesn’t understand anything…”
“You again?” Mom cut Masha off.
“It would be better for her too,” Masha continued, oblivious to her mother’s growing irritation.
“I don’t want to hear this anymore. I’m not putting her anywhere. How long does she have left? Let her stay at home…”
“She’ll outlive us both. Go to work. I’m not going anywhere, I’ll lock the door, I promise,” Masha repeated bitterly.
“I’m sorry. I’ve put all this on you… Everyone else is out enjoying themselves, and you’re stuck watching grandma.”
They talked without paying attention to the open door to grandma’s room. Of course, she heard everything but probably didn’t understand, and would forget it all in a minute.
Mom went to work, and Masha entered her old room, now grandma’s.
“Ba, do you want anything?” she asked.
Grandma’s gaze expressed no desire.
“Come on, I’ll give you a candy,” Masha helped grandma stand up and led her to the kitchen.
“And who are you?” grandma stared at Masha blankly.
“Drink your tea.” Masha sighed and placed a candy in front of grandma.
Grandma loved sweets. They and Mom hid candies from her, giving her just one piece with her tea. Masha watched as grandma unwrapped the bright wrapper. Through her thinning gray hair, the pale skin of her head was visible. Masha turned away.
Grandma used to dye and tease her hair, style it into a voluminous hairdo. She painted her lips with bright lipstick, drew her eyebrows into arches. Masha remembered the sweet scent of her perfume. Men always noticed grandma, until she began to lose her mind.
Masha couldn’t figure out her feelings towards grandma: pity, regret, resentment? A knock at the door interrupted her thoughts.
“Probably Mom forgot something.” Masha went to answer it.
But it was her friend, a high school senior, Sergey. Mom disapproved of their friendship, so he tried to visit when she wasn’t home.
“Hi. Why so early? Mom just left,” Masha whispered.
“I know. She didn’t see me.”
“Mila!” came a voice from the kitchen.
“And who is Mila?” Sergey asked.
“That’s what she calls Mom and thinks of her as her daughter. I’ll take her back to her room now. Go to the bathroom and stay quiet. She’s having a lucid day today.” Masha pushed Sergey towards the bathroom door.
“There’s no one there.” Masha entered the kitchen and saw an empty cup and wrapper on the table.
“I want some tea,” said grandma.
“But…” Masha realized the futility of her explanations.
Grandma quickly forgot everything, especially what had just happened. But she remembered her distant past well. Often she confused them with Mom. But she had moments of clarity, though they were short and rare.
Masha couldn’t tell if grandma was pretending to get another candy or really forgot she had just had tea. Who could tell? Masha sighed, set another cup of tea in front of her, and placed another candy on the table.
Grandma took a long time to unwrap it with her uncooperative fingers. When the cup was empty, Masha led her to her room, settled her on the bed.
“Now sleep,” she said and closed the door behind her.
Sergey was peeking out of the bathroom.
“Can I come out?”
“Yes. Go to the kitchen.” Masha checked the door to make sure it was locked and followed Sergey.
They sat in the kitchen, head to head, listening to music on the phone—one earphone in each ear. Masha closed her eyes, nodding her head to the music. She didn’t notice when grandma slipped out into the hallway…
When Masha went to see Sergey out, she saw the door open. She rushed to the room, but grandma was not there.
“The door… I didn’t lock the door. She’s gone. Mom will think I did it on purpose,” Masha nearly cried.
“Why would she think that?” Sergey asked.
“You don’t understand. I just said today that it would be better if she left, got lost. Mom will think I left the door unlocked on purpose, to spite her.”
“Alright, get dressed, let’s go look. She couldn’t have gone far,” Sergey said.
Masha glanced at the coat rack—grandma’s quilted coat was in its place. So were her boots.
“Did she go out in slippers and a robe?” Masha looked bewildered at Sergey.
“Maybe she’s with the neighbors? Went out to the staircase, didn’t recognize her own door… I’ll go to the courtyard, and you check the apartments,” Sergey said and ran down the stairs.
But no one answered the doorbells on the floor. Masha stopped trying the neighbors, rushed outside. Sergey was running around the courtyard, looking under bushes, under the playground slide…
“She’s nowhere. Let’s check the neighboring courtyards. You go right, and I’ll go left. Whoever finds her first calls the other. We’ll meet back here,” Sergey commanded and ran out of the courtyard.
Masha even ran to the bus stop. Grandma was nowhere. How much time had passed since she left? Half an hour? Forty minutes? How far could one get in slippers and a robe?
“We need to call the police,” she said.
“Wait. Remember, what did she talk about most often, where did she like to be?” Sergey, out of breath, asked.
Masha thought hard but couldn’t remember anything specific. She shrugged her shoulders.
“Okay, let’s expand the search area. You go towards the school, and I’ll go the other way,” he waved in the opposite direction.
Not all the streetlights were on. Masha hurried through the dark, unlit sections of the street. She felt as if someone was hiding behind the bushes. Approaching the school, she suddenly remembered grandma’s story. Once she forgot her notebook in class and went back for it, but the janitor had locked the main door. Grandma jumped out of a first-floor window and nearly broke her leg.
Although grandma didn’t attend this school, she always told this story when they passed by. Masha pushed the gate in the fence—it wasn’t locked. The school building was a typical design, shaped like a “P.” She walked around one wing and saw a group of boys. They were laughing at someone. “Grandma!” Masha realized and ran to them.
Grandma stood in the middle of the courtyard in her gray-blue robe. One of the boys was offering her an empty wrapper. When grandma reached for it, thinking it was a candy, the boy pulled his hand back, and the boys all laughed together.
“She doesn’t understand anything. Which psych ward did you escape from? Want a candy?” the boy again offered the wrapper.
“Leave her alone!” Masha shouted loudly.
The boys suddenly looked at her.
“Look, another one!”
“Who are you? The granddaughter?”
“Escaped from the psych ward with grandma?”
“And the granddaughter’s not bad. Want a candy?” The boy with the wrapper approached Masha.
The others followed him.
Masha backed away. The boys advanced on her, blocking grandma from view. They were no longer laughing, looking boldly, feeling her fear and their own strength. Masha backed into the fence bars. The gate was off to the side. As if on cue, the boys lunged at her.
Masha flailed her arms in the air, trying to keep them at a distance, but there were three of them. One of the boys grabbed her arms, the others pressed Masha against the fence—she couldn’t move. They groped her, deciding who would go first…
“Hey, back off from her!” Sergey shouted nearby.
Two of the boys backed off from her, but the third continued to hold her arms. Now the boys fought with Sergey. Masha kicked the boy holding her. He howled and let her go. She saw a piece of board on the ground, picked it up, ran to the fighting boys, and tried to hit one on the head, but being too short, she hit his back instead.
The boy cursed and lunged at Masha. She ran to the fence gate.
“Girl, run to us. We’ve called the police…” Masha saw a man and a woman on the other side of the fence. “These hooligans, they’re unbearable…”
The mention of the police made the boys run away. Masha returned to Sergey.
“That’s helping for you. No thanks for that,” the man grumbled behind her.
“Never mind, the main thing is that it’s over,” the woman said.
Masha helped Sergey up from the ground. They approached the frightened grandma. She cringed, thinking they were the hooligans.
“Ba. It’s me, Masha. Let’s go home.” Masha hugged grandma.
“Which Masha? I’m waiting for Borya. His classes are about to end…”
“Ba, Borya finished school a long time ago. Let’s go.”
“I heard everything,” grandma suddenly said.
“What did you hear?” Masha asked fearfully, though she immediately understood what she was talking about.
Maybe grandma really understands more than they think?
“Mila wants to put me in a nursing home. Don’t let her,” grandma sobbed.
“Okay, let’s go, it’s cold, and you’re just in a robe. You’ll get sick, and they’ll put you in the hospital…”
“I don’t want to go to the hospital,” grandma sobbed.
Sergey and Masha brought grandma home. Masha changed her clothes, gave her hot tea with a candy, and put her to bed.
“How will you get home? All dirty, covered in blood.” Masha and Sergey stood at the apartment door.
“It’s okay, the main thing is we found grandma. And you did well, not being scared,” Sergey smiled.
“I was very scared. If you hadn’t made it in time…”
“It’s alright. I’m sorry. It’s my fault I didn’t lock the door…”
Masha locked the door after Sergey and sat at the kitchen table. She wasn’t shaking anymore, but she couldn’t calm down. She thought that if she hadn’t found grandma, she would have had to live with guilt for the rest of her life, as her mom said. Thankfully, it was okay…
She felt ashamed of the argument with her mom. Her mom had it much harder. She only had to care for one grandma, her own mother. She had been ill with cancer for two years. Now her ex-husband’s mom asked for help… Masha was only fifteen, with her whole life ahead of her, plenty of time to have fun. How much time did grandma have left? Let her live happily in her ignorance, childhood, forgetfulness.
She couldn’t imagine her mom becoming like that with age, not recognizing Masha. She even thought it might be better to lose physical health than sanity. No, better that there be no illnesses at all, especially incurable ones. Let people just die of old age.
Masha thought about the unfairness of life. Maybe grandma was being punished for something, but they and mom suffered, and grandma understood nothing. Did they and mom deserve all this? Maybe it was necessary to teach Masha compassion and pity? To test her resilience? To prepare her for life? To keep her from thoughtless words and actions?
Masha thought about things her peers hardly ever considered. She felt she had grown up a lifetime that night. When Mom came home, Masha hadn’t gone to bed yet.
“Are you already up? Everything okay?” Mom sat tiredly on the chair next to Masha.
“It’s fine. Want some tea?” Masha asked.
“I do.”
Masha put two cups on the table and placed two candies. They exchanged glances and laughed. And they couldn’t stop for a long time…
“Perhaps senile dementia is given as a mercy to those unable to face their past.”
Colleen McCullough
“All people want to live long, but no one wants to be old.”